One of my favorite quotes I have written in a scrap book since I was little is “The fear of danger is 10000 times more terrifying than when actually faced by it.” From Swiss Robinson Crusoe. It made me feel braver than I was. But really there are moments in my life where everything seems messy, shit that goes wrong gets worse, and shit you didn’t even believe would happen happens.
It’s that sensation of not being able to see the future in terms or personal or professional ambition because my current situation might be new, and emotionally challenging on many levels. A big change, a divorce. On top of it all, there might be some physical debilitation, such as an injury or other issue that seems to be looming there constantly. I forget that these times are temporary. But at the same time I feel a restlessness and a push to go forward, to surpass it all and move on. Where do I look to now?
Sometimes when life wraps me all up in my story, some overwhelming change or situation that just takes all of my attention it can be as if my mind becomes one directional – it seems to get stuck. Like it can’t go any further than the immediate problem, and they seem to be multiplying. Just another little mishap, and then again. And I get focused on an immediate distraction for relief, a holiday coming up, a party or some social activity. Sound familiar?
My friends are supportive. Each friend has different and really good advice. Some say Take a Leap. Some say Slow. Some say Be Brave. Some say Wait – take it easy, one step at a time. Some say your dreams will come true, Manifest it to the Universe.
Me: Huh? What the fuck do I do? It’s like my belly has lost its Adivinity feature, I always relied on gut instinct, I always knew what to do and where to go. How come that doesn’t work now? Like my gut is devoid of any form of future dreams and hopes and knowledge.
Can I get to an even more basic level of self-confrontation? All the way to the nitty gritty? Oh wait, that sounds like Go Find Yourself, or something like that, didn’t I already do that? I mean I came to Costa Rica and became a Yoga Teacher. Is this just the beginning?
This isn’t an essay with tips or solutions or about me getting out of any of the above feelings. I obviously don’t have the answers for now. I’ve come to the conclusion that if all of the above is such a conundrum I better simply leave it for now. I’ll just let it be upside down and weird for now.
I better just come back to my body, the most basic form of me. The rest is not so serious for now….
Maybe the answer is a beach walk, a waterfall bath. About using aromatherapy and beautiful soaps and creams. Maybe it’s me in a pool, maybe its me doing time with a book in bed. Perhaps its about stretching like a cat, about touching my toes and getting familiar with them again. About braiding my hair and knitting. About making something with my hands. About being creative with my fingers. About sweating till I lose my breath. About looking out from my balcony into the trees. And maybe one day I can close my eyes and just be with myself.
And then suddenly I realize: Oh wait, isn’t that Yoga? Or the Finding Yourself thing? Here I am again…. I call it Growing Pains. I keep the faith and practice.